Momishness: The Past Matters

Ah, the past! We can say all we want that the past is past and we're facing the future, so let's just forget it and move on, but that's not how it really works, is it?
Everything I do and say, every attitude, every opinion, every context and every way I look at the world is shaped by my past. This is true for everyone. The things I went through as a child, the people who helped mold and change me, all of my interactions, and all of the trauma, joy, tragedy, pain, and happiness I have experienced have worked to make me into the person I am today. And in the same way every reaction I have to every interaction in my life is shaped by my past. 
In the previous post I spoke about arguments and how easily they can get out of hand. Another piece of this is the backgrounds of the people who are having the conversation. Whether it is the near past: "I'm having a really rough day", the far past: "I had a troubled childhood", bad news I've received: "I/my relative/my child/my friend was just diagnosed with a serious illness", or "it's just plain been a rough life for me" (from my perspective!), all of these things frame the way I will respond in any given situation. 
Therefore the more I know about my triggers, hot buttons, and red flags, the more I will have the tools to decipher and control my reactions so that I may relate in a more appropriate manner to another person. And the more they know about me, the better off we both are, too.
Say for instance, that I had a childhood full of the message "you are not good enough". Any time you approach me with a message I hear as "you're not good enough", it's going to throw me into a reaction that stems from my childhood rather than my current relationship with you.
Did you hear what was going on in that last sentence? It's all about how I hear/receive the message, not about what you are actually saying. So here's another thing to watch for in arguments: Is the other person reacting in a way that is appropriate to what is being communicated? Both people have to look at it from both sides to make sure the communication is effective. And if it looks like something is wrong, go back to the questions from the last post to check in with each other and make sure of what's happening.
A friend told me the other day that when he was in marriage counseling, the counselor made each of them tell the other their life story; the whole story. They had to take the full hour to tell the other one everything they remember about their life, especially the way they felt about themselves during any given stage. I LOVE THIS! I think it's really important to know each other really well, if you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together. And what did the counselor ask at the end of each session? "Do you still like each other?"
Not every relationship requires this level of involvement; of course not. But really important primary relationships? Yes Ma'am and Yes, Sir! It's worth the time and energy, in my opinion, to make sure you really know each other and are able to empathize and avoid some of the pitfalls waiting for you because of your past. Or to at least step carefully and explode those land mines gently and in controlled circumstances, with love and compassion. And with permission.
So if you're on a really long road trip, let's say, with lots and lots of time to just talk, why not go for it? Talk about your past: all the things that make you who you are. And the other person gets to listen; they can ask clarifying questions, but cannot interject their own story until it is their turn. Who knows what you'll find, together! 

Mom-ism: 
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"  Isaiah 43:18
Okay, I know this appears to go against everything I just said, but hear me out! The past is useful in the lessons we can learn from it and the wisdom we have gained. We should remember the lessons of the past, but we should strive to put them into use and then let the past go. Do not dwell on things that are gone; look toward the future with hope and live in the present with joy and love.
I love you and pray for you always. 💗