Momishness: The Past Matters

Ah, the past! We can say all we want that the past is past and we're facing the future, so let's just forget it and move on, but that's not how it really works, is it?
Everything I do and say, every attitude, every opinion, every context and every way I look at the world is shaped by my past. This is true for everyone. The things I went through as a child, the people who helped mold and change me, all of my interactions, and all of the trauma, joy, tragedy, pain, and happiness I have experienced have worked to make me into the person I am today. And in the same way every reaction I have to every interaction in my life is shaped by my past. 
In the previous post I spoke about arguments and how easily they can get out of hand. Another piece of this is the backgrounds of the people who are having the conversation. Whether it is the near past: "I'm having a really rough day", the far past: "I had a troubled childhood", bad news I've received: "I/my relative/my child/my friend was just diagnosed with a serious illness", or "it's just plain been a rough life for me" (from my perspective!), all of these things frame the way I will respond in any given situation. 
Therefore the more I know about my triggers, hot buttons, and red flags, the more I will have the tools to decipher and control my reactions so that I may relate in a more appropriate manner to another person. And the more they know about me, the better off we both are, too.
Say for instance, that I had a childhood full of the message "you are not good enough". Any time you approach me with a message I hear as "you're not good enough", it's going to throw me into a reaction that stems from my childhood rather than my current relationship with you.
Did you hear what was going on in that last sentence? It's all about how I hear/receive the message, not about what you are actually saying. So here's another thing to watch for in arguments: Is the other person reacting in a way that is appropriate to what is being communicated? Both people have to look at it from both sides to make sure the communication is effective. And if it looks like something is wrong, go back to the questions from the last post to check in with each other and make sure of what's happening.
A friend told me the other day that when he was in marriage counseling, the counselor made each of them tell the other their life story; the whole story. They had to take the full hour to tell the other one everything they remember about their life, especially the way they felt about themselves during any given stage. I LOVE THIS! I think it's really important to know each other really well, if you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together. And what did the counselor ask at the end of each session? "Do you still like each other?"
Not every relationship requires this level of involvement; of course not. But really important primary relationships? Yes Ma'am and Yes, Sir! It's worth the time and energy, in my opinion, to make sure you really know each other and are able to empathize and avoid some of the pitfalls waiting for you because of your past. Or to at least step carefully and explode those land mines gently and in controlled circumstances, with love and compassion. And with permission.
So if you're on a really long road trip, let's say, with lots and lots of time to just talk, why not go for it? Talk about your past: all the things that make you who you are. And the other person gets to listen; they can ask clarifying questions, but cannot interject their own story until it is their turn. Who knows what you'll find, together! 

Mom-ism: 
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"  Isaiah 43:18
Okay, I know this appears to go against everything I just said, but hear me out! The past is useful in the lessons we can learn from it and the wisdom we have gained. We should remember the lessons of the past, but we should strive to put them into use and then let the past go. Do not dwell on things that are gone; look toward the future with hope and live in the present with joy and love.
I love you and pray for you always. 💗

Momishness: Arguments

As my first installment, I'm going to write about arguing! Arguing and conflict are my least favorite things in the whole wide world, so I guess it's a good place to start. Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is this: when an argument starts and appears to be getting out of control or turning into a fight, it's time to stop and think about some things.

I have noticed that a lot of arguments escalate because of a miscommunication, or an assumption, if you will. One party assumes that they are hearing something that hurts their feelings and the fight is on. What may have actually happened is that the person who they are fighting with was not really saying what was heard at all. Sometimes we just need to stop and ask ourselves a few questions - and really think them through - before going on the defensive. 

Before things really get out of hand, what if we stop, take a breath, and ask (and answer):

• Who is the person I am arguing with? What do they mean to me?
• This is my partner, whom I love, and they love me. SAY IT.
• This is my friend and we care about each other.
• This is my boss, whom I respect and who has always shown respect for me.
• Why would they want to hurt me or hurt my feelings? Are they purposely trying to do so?
• Obviously, they wouldn't. 
• If they would, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship
• Is it time to stop and regroup and maybe check for misunderstanding/ miscommunication?
• YES! 
• Am I hangry, in need of a Snicker bar, or otherwise just a little out of my normal mood today?
• Take a break and fix that, quick!

This conversation would go something like this: "I know you love me and I can't imagine that you want to hurt me, and yet I am feeling hurt. So I think I need to check out what I understand you to be saying that I may have misunderstood. What I am hearing is ____________. Please explain to me how this is different than what you meant."

Or 

"I am not feeling like I am getting across what I am trying to say, and I think it's because i need to eat something -or- my mood is off and this is not a good time for this type of conversation -or- whatever the case may be. Can we please come back to this?" (set a time/date) And then stick to that commitment to revisit the conversation, whether it's 10 minutes or 10 days later. I don't recommend waiting 10 days, by the way.

I understand that we can't always just stop everything and be all reasonable right in the middle of a fight. But maybe by thinking of these things beforehand, we can be gentler with each other. We come from a place of caring and assume we each want the best for each other, and that we wouldn't hurt each other on purpose, so there must be something else going on. If we can get to the root of the misunderstanding as soon as possible, we will be so much better off!

It's all about loving and respecting each other and caring for each other in the best way we know how. 

Mom-ism: 

Don't let the sun set on your anger. (Ephesians 4:26)

Really! Make up before you go to bed. Otherwise you fret about it, get no sleep, manufacture additional insults and injuries, and basically just make a bigger mess than you already had. You love each other, care about each other, respect each other, whatever the relationship is and you don't want to be angry at each other so kiss and make up, shake hands, or whatever is appropriate already!

I love you with all my mom-y little heart!