Momishness: Arguments

As my first installment, I'm going to write about arguing! Arguing and conflict are my least favorite things in the whole wide world, so I guess it's a good place to start. Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is this: when an argument starts and appears to be getting out of control or turning into a fight, it's time to stop and think about some things.

I have noticed that a lot of arguments escalate because of a miscommunication, or an assumption, if you will. One party assumes that they are hearing something that hurts their feelings and the fight is on. What may have actually happened is that the person who they are fighting with was not really saying what was heard at all. Sometimes we just need to stop and ask ourselves a few questions - and really think them through - before going on the defensive. 

Before things really get out of hand, what if we stop, take a breath, and ask (and answer):

• Who is the person I am arguing with? What do they mean to me?
• This is my partner, whom I love, and they love me. SAY IT.
• This is my friend and we care about each other.
• This is my boss, whom I respect and who has always shown respect for me.
• Why would they want to hurt me or hurt my feelings? Are they purposely trying to do so?
• Obviously, they wouldn't. 
• If they would, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship
• Is it time to stop and regroup and maybe check for misunderstanding/ miscommunication?
• YES! 
• Am I hangry, in need of a Snicker bar, or otherwise just a little out of my normal mood today?
• Take a break and fix that, quick!

This conversation would go something like this: "I know you love me and I can't imagine that you want to hurt me, and yet I am feeling hurt. So I think I need to check out what I understand you to be saying that I may have misunderstood. What I am hearing is ____________. Please explain to me how this is different than what you meant."

Or 

"I am not feeling like I am getting across what I am trying to say, and I think it's because i need to eat something -or- my mood is off and this is not a good time for this type of conversation -or- whatever the case may be. Can we please come back to this?" (set a time/date) And then stick to that commitment to revisit the conversation, whether it's 10 minutes or 10 days later. I don't recommend waiting 10 days, by the way.

I understand that we can't always just stop everything and be all reasonable right in the middle of a fight. But maybe by thinking of these things beforehand, we can be gentler with each other. We come from a place of caring and assume we each want the best for each other, and that we wouldn't hurt each other on purpose, so there must be something else going on. If we can get to the root of the misunderstanding as soon as possible, we will be so much better off!

It's all about loving and respecting each other and caring for each other in the best way we know how. 

Mom-ism: 

Don't let the sun set on your anger. (Ephesians 4:26)

Really! Make up before you go to bed. Otherwise you fret about it, get no sleep, manufacture additional insults and injuries, and basically just make a bigger mess than you already had. You love each other, care about each other, respect each other, whatever the relationship is and you don't want to be angry at each other so kiss and make up, shake hands, or whatever is appropriate already!

I love you with all my mom-y little heart!